Max started growing really fast – and everything completely changed from the first month to the second when it came to caring for him. He stopped just automatically falling asleep in our arms while we were doing our normal routine around the house, and instead was fully awake for many hours at a time. It was such a quick transition, and I was still a bit caught up in the newness of it all, that when he started getting extremely irritated and was crying for hours in the evening – I started to worry that he had colic or reflux.
But he was eating well, which ruled out the likelihood of reflux – and the more I read about colic, the more I realized how vague of a diagnosis it was, and I was determined to do whatever it took to make Max feel more comfortable if that was possible.
It took me a little while, but I finally figured out what was going on. There were so many interesting things going on in his world, and taking in all of these things became a priority for his body – sleep was forgotten until his tiredness accumulated and became “overtiredness” which expressed itself as crying for hours until he finally wore himself out. This tiredness didn’t reset after he slept for a long(er) period – the hours of missed sleep carried over from day to day – so his bouts of crying in the evening became more intense and lasted longer.
It is really easy, as a new parent, to start feeling guilty for not seeing the problem sooner. But feeling guilty about missing the cues that he was overtired did not accomplish anything other than as a point of self-punishment – so I had to forgive myself and let this guilt go if I wanted to find the solution and make a change to help him get the sleep he needed.
I started to become more aware of the “cycles” that he would go through during the day. He was usually awake for about 45mins – 1hr before he would start to get sleepy again, and then there was about 20 minutes where if the conditions were right, he could fall asleep and stay asleep for a long nap (about 1-3 hours). His cues for sleepiness were yawning multiple times and also a switch from being smiley and content to cranky and fidgety. If I caught the switch from awake to sleepy quickly enough, I could take him up to the bedroom and start rocking/dancing him to sleep.
This didn’t always work. Sometimes he woke up suddenly either just as we were laying down or at the beginning of his nap, so we would have to repeat the cycle and catch the next “sleepy time”. The more we practiced this, the more I became “in tune” with his cycle, and eventually his evening crankiness started to get shorter and shorter, until we finally started experiencing little to no crying during the so called “witching hour”.
I decided not to try to artificially schedule his nap times –
my focus was more on trying to get between 14-16 hours of sleep at a minimum per day. Some days we did it, some days we didn’t – but Max’s expression began to change tremendously – he was much happier and seemed to be enjoying himself and his surroundings much more.
Also – this month I discovered the awesomeness of nursing while laying down… sounds silly I know, but it’s a skill that takes time to do well, and boy does it help with the getting to sleep and staying asleep process. At the moment, Max is sleeping in his Dockatot at night, next to me, and when he wakes up at night to eat, all I have to do is roll over and feed him for 15 minutes, then he falls right back asleep – it is literally the best experience – I am losing very little sleep because of this (wish I had tried it sooner).
We also started going out more on walks each day – he doesn’t really like the stroller, but seems content in the Ergo baby carrier for about 30 minutes or so before he starts to get antsy to go home.
This month was really challenging for me – but I also became more connected with Max, and it does feel really amazing to have figured out how to meet his needs. Once we figured out how important Sleep really was, it changed our relationship a lot – this may be because he can trust me to help him get the sleep he needs (or maybe because I can trust myself to figure out a solution when I see a problem come up for him).
By the end of his 2nd month, he weighs 14lbs and 4 oz, and is 25 in. long.
For me this past month with baby Max has been harder than any point during my pregnancy…. Giving birth was nothing compared to the first two weeks of having him out in the world – it was the transition from pregnant to parent – from ME to US.
And it was deceivingly blissful the first day or so. The afternoon we brought Max home, I was pretty “high” on the baby hormones – which allowed me to stay awake and breastfeed him regularly with seeming success. But by the next morning, I could feel the beginning of my body’s process of recovery from the birth – I was extremely sore in my arms, shoulders, legs, and the back of my head from gripping and pushing myself against the sides of the birth tub. My nether region was pretty sore too – I never in my life expected to be grateful that adult diapers exist – although I suppose there will be a time for that in later days again. I took a small amount of ibuprofen for the first couple of days, mostly to ease myself into the moderate pain of recovery.
I wasn’t expecting Max to be so sleepy – he slept a ton those first few days! It was challenging to wake him up for feeding every 2 hours, but I set my alarm to make sure he was getting plenty of that early colostrum. On the other hand, I was getting very little sleep – this being my first child, I was consistently awoken in the night by the inherent need to reach over and check if he was still breathing (a newborn’s breathing is sooo shallow when they sleep). At this point, Max was sleeping in the Dockatot, in the middle of Cam and I (apparently Cam was up all night checking on him too).
My milk came in by day 3, and boy did it come in. My breasts were so swollen and were starting to get hard lumps that freaked me out a little bit (I’d read about the likeliness of getting mastitis, so I was on the lookout). My insurance company hadn’t sent my breast pump yet, which was actually cool, because I was reluctant to use anything that may cause my body confusion when it came to milk production. So I started hand expressing into breast milk bags, which worked great and really wasn’t that hard to do (although it should be noted that hand expression does NOT reduce the pressure right away, it takes a little while after you’ve finished before the breast softens). **I have to admit, the idea of breastfeeding and having to hand express my milk was one of the things that sort of grossed me out mentally when I was pregnant – but it really was much easier to do than I had expected – which says something about expectations** Also leaking became a regular experience throughout the day (that gets better too ladies, by the end of the first month it rarely happens).
Max was eating well. By our day 3 pediatric appointment, he had only lost 4 oz of weight, and when we came in at the end of that week, he had gained back another 4 oz over his birth weight. He did start to develop a little bit of jaundice, which left him with a yellow tint, but his bilirubin levels weren’t high enough to warrant any treatment other than spending a little time in some indirect sunlight (we breastfed outside and napped in a brightly lit room). The jaundice had decreased a lot by a week and a half, and was completely gone by the end of 3 weeks.
I had read so much about breastfeeding – and the one thing that I had absorbed that ended up causing the most anxiety was this idea that “if breastfeeding hurts, you’re doing it wrong”. This idea requires some clarification, from my perspective… “If this is your first baby, breastfeeding will hurt a bit for the first couple weeks or so while your nipples adapt – it may hurt quite a lot when the baby latches on- don’t let that freak you out, it will pass – in the meantime, put breast milk on any cracks or scabs, use coconut oil also – it helps a lot. If the pain continues, get a lactation consultant to help – otherwise, if baby is gaining weight properly and the pain is decreasing over time, don’t worry so much about whether or not you have the perfect latch – you’ll get better and better at it, and soon it will not hurt at all”.
After the first few days – Max started to wake up a bit to the world around him, and for him (and me) it was a tough transition. He had bouts of crying that made a moment feel like an eternity – and for seemingly no reason, as he’d fed to his heart’s content, had a clean diaper, and didn’t have a fever or any other obvious discomfort. We thought maybe he was having some problems with gas, but we would burp him and
not get any results – we even tried Gripe water a few times, which had minimal results. Just when we were about to declare the dreaded word “colic” – Cam and I stumbled across a video from a pediatric chiropractor that showed different ways to burp a baby… explaining the cycle of discomfort/feed/discomfort/feed that occurs if you don’t burp a baby properly within 20 minutes of them eating. Max responded really well to rotating through different burping methods until we definitely got a burp each time he fed – which made us both feel pretty good that we could give him some relief.
Over and over, the midwives told me to “sleep when the baby sleeps” – but after the first week, I started trying to get some work done while he was sleeping. At this point, it would take about an hour or so of rocking and dancing (he friggin’ loves Yacht Rock music and 80’s UK pop – and yes I have tried other music) to get him to go to sleep. Then he would sleep a couple of hours or so and wake up, feed, repeat. I found out quickly that I was trying to do too much too soon, my bleeding returned and I resolved myself to keep the physical work to a minimum until I got to my three week checkup.
Throughout this time, Max really didn’t like any of the “baby things” we’d got for him – not the swing, or the bouncy chair, or the Ergo baby wrap (or the 2 other baby wraps I got him) – the only thing he would not scream in was the Dockatot – which was a lifesaver – we were co-sleeping and this thing made it so easy to adjust his position without waking him up. He mostly just wanted to be in our arms whenever he was awake.
I had moments during this month where I needed to cry, mostly in the early days when I was so sleep deprived and holding a baby that was just wailing and wailing. Cam and I both had moments where we were short-tempered with each other – but we discovered together that this mostly had to do with us not communicating our expectations and frustrations with each other (we’ve learned that communication is always at the root of the problem).
By the end of the month, I’ve found my groove/flow within and as a parent – I keep reminding myself “His needs come before my preferences” – which helps me realize/remind myself of the commitment I made when I decided to have Max – and that I would do whatever it takes so that he’s happy and healthy (because that makes me happy)
As promised – here’s the story of my natural, unmedicated, and virtually pain free birth of my first born, sweet baby boy Maximus (Max for short).
My midwife told me at around 38 weeks that the baby was welcome to come any day now – so I started feeling a bit anxious for him to come. I recognized that I was a bit fearful that he would not come in time and that I would have to be induced, so I spent every day from 38 weeks focused on supporting myself to face and let go of that fear. Through this process, and by going to that worst case scenario in my mind of “what would happen if I was induced?” etc… I discovered a lot of research showing that babies tend to do a bit better at adapting to the world when they are born closer to 40 weeks rather than earlier. My prenatal chiropractor also confirmed with his anecdotal evidence, that his patients whose babies were born on time or late had less complications – which was interesting to hear. So, by 40 weeks, the anxiety was gone and I was happy that the baby was taking his time and allowing himself to develop inside me so that he would be stronger for the birth.
By this point, I had been having very minor Braxton Hicks contractions in the evening (which just felt like a tightening across my lower pelvic area) – also some sharp stabbing pains in my pelvic area, which I attribute to my uterus softening/ripening from all of the raspberry tea and other things I was taking – But nothing that indicated to me that I would be going into labor any time soon.
On the morning of Monday, October 24th 2016, at 5:30am (40 weeks +3 days)- I started having contractions. I had stayed up most of the night and only got a few hours of sleep, but I woke up with a feeling of pressure across my lower pelvic area. I wasn’t sure exactly what was happening at first, the contractions were not painful, but felt like an intense wave of pressure that started very light and got progressively more intense to the point where I had to hold onto something and stay still when they peaked. **I looked up “what do contractions feel like” so many times – and I really think the most accurate description for me was that they were similar to what a period feels like on a heavy day, just with more pressure and intensity** I also sort of felt like I need to use the toilet often, so I just kept going into the bathroom and sitting on the toilet during a contraction, and holding onto the walls and the windowsill while the contraction peaked.
By about 6:30am, it was clear to me that these were definitely contractions (they felt very different to anything I had experienced thus far during the pregnancy). My husband, Cam, was still sleeping in our bedroom, but I decided to let him sleep until 7am just in case we were going to have a long day of labor. We just happened to have an appointment at 9am at the birth center and we needed to leave by 8am to drive the hour to get there. So I spent the time between 6:30am and 7am timing my contractions on an app on my phone. By 7am, my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and lasted about 30-45 seconds.
Cam woke up at 7am and I told him I thought I was having contractions. He started packing up the car, and I called our doula to ask her advice on whether we should be going to the birth center for our appointment when it was so early in the labor process. The doula told me to try taking a warm bath before we left, and if the contractions stopped then I was not actually in labor. I took a 3o minute bath or so, and by the time it was done, my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute. I called the doula back, and she said it sounded like I was in real labor, as I couldn’t really talk through the contractions.
I called the birth center and let them know I might be going into labor, and they told me to come on in for my appointment time. Cam was pretty excited, and although my contractions were coming really quickly, I thought that my labor was probably pretty far off, so we took our time getting to the birth center – we even stopped at Jamba Juice to get a smoothie before we got on the highway. I put on my HypnoBabies Cd’s on my phone, and just listened and breathed through the contractions as Cam focused on driving the hour long drive to the birth center.
When we finally arrived, we were taken into a room and one of the technicians asked me a bunch of questions – which I couldn’t really answer for her during the contractions, later they told me they were certain by my face that I was definitely in labor – and then had me go get a urine sample. I had my bloody show in that moment in the bathroom – which was perfect, because it meant things were moving along.
My midwife came into the room, gave me an exam, and then called out to her staff “get the room ready, we’re having a baby! – you’re 7-8cm dialated, 100% effaced, and we’re gonna have this baby before lunchtime.” Cam and I were both a bit shocked, it was only 10am at that point, we couldn’t believe everything was happening so quickly. We went into one of the birthing rooms, and I got undressed while the birthing team filled up the tub with warm water. The tub felt fantastic, and I just leaned over the side of the tub and held onto Cam’s legs and arms while the contractions came quicker and quicker.
Then my doula showed up and started encouraging me to make deep moaning sounds through the contractions (up to that point I had been mostly silent and holding my breath a bit through them). This is the point where things started to really shift for me – the moaning seemed to encourage the contractions to come on stronger in intensity – but they really weren’t painful, just a feeling of intense pressure. In the breaks between the contractions, Cam and my doula were making sure I was getting plenty of water, and my midwife was rubbing some really nice smelling essential oils on my scalp and on my pressure points. The other midwife was checking me every now and then for me and the baby’s heartbeat – but it never felt invasive, I was grateful for everyone taking on their roles so I could focus on breathing and not tensing up through the contractions.
By 12pm, the midwives said I was fully dialated and was ready to push. Now – pushing was really interesting – it was NOT painful, but it was very intense work – imagine if you were trying to climb the side of a cliff, each time you wanted to move up a bit, you had to focus all of your physical strength on shifting your weight and swinging your arm up to reach for the next hold, and then shifting your body weight up, and repeat again and again – this is how I would describe pushing – it wasn’t painful, but it required all of my physical ability to be focused for that minute or so that I was pushing, and then I would have a moment where I could relax. I also really embraced the moaning and making noise that my doula was encouraging, and when I would instead make a sort of high pitched noise, she would remind me to keep my tone low, which helped me from getting too tense.
At the time, I was sort of between consciousness and a more introverted place, I was aware of all of the people in the room and what they were asking me to do, but I was also very focused within myself on what was happening with my body. Something that I kept saying to myself over and over in my head was that “I can do this” – especially in those moments when I couldn’t really feel that I was making any progress (it is hard to feel that the baby is moving down much, until right before they come out – so I can see why many women may get discouraged during this time). My midwives were fantastic during this time – even though I told them I was tired, they kept telling me that it wouldn’t be long and to try three big pushes and releases for each contraction, and really encouraged me the whole time.
When they started to see the head, they explained to me that now I was going to start pushing and that when they said hold it, I was to hold the pressure instead of pushing further – and that this would keep my perineum from tearing. I did exactly what they told me to do. At this point, my water broke fully (it had been sort of leaking slowly before). This was when I started to “feel” the baby coming out as something other than just the pressure from the contractions. I felt the momentary burning when the baby’s head came out (which was the only point where I could describe as painful, but again it really wasn’t a serious pain), and then in two more pushes, the rest of his body was out.
Cam caught our baby boy Max at 1:04pm – just 7 & 1/2 hours from the start of contractions.
The midwives immediately put Max on my chest, and he came out looking a bit purple/grey, but he was completely healthy and started crying right away. He had an Apgar score was 8. I had no tears, just a slight “skidmark”. We stayed in the tub together while the midwives gave me some black & blue cohosh and injected me with pitocin (after labor) to get the placenta to come out – which it did within 20 or so minutes. They also gave me a little bit of ibuprofen just in case – which I agreed to even though I didn’t feel any pain. After a little while longer, the birth team wrapped up the placenta in a bag and wrapped Max in a towel and gave him to Cam to hold while they helped clean me up and move me over to the bed.
I kept saying to everyone “WOW – I can’t believe how well that went! – That was easy!” while I snuggled little Max and got him to breastfeed for the first time. I felt fantastic – all of my tiredness from the labor and from not sleeping was momentarily gone, I was so happy that Max’s labor went smoothly and that he was healthy and happy. I had a little bit of lunch to get my energy up, and gave Cam a turn to snuggle Max. After a while, the birth team asked if it was alright with us if they weighed and measured the baby and checked him over – we agreed, and they did all of this on the bed. Cam cut the umbilical cord (which had stopped pulsing a long time ago) and put a onesie on him so we could get ready to go home.
The only issue I had was right about at this time – while we were getting ready to go home, I started to feel a bit faint, and the midwives tested my blood pressure and it was a bit high. I have a theory that this may be because of the pitocin and the ibuprofen – I did not take any drugs/meds during my pregnancy, so I think my body had a little bit of a reaction to these. So my midwife got me to get up and go to the bathroom to try to urinate – and this was the hardest part of the whole labor (although nothing I couldn’t handle), it burned a bit and I had to hold onto one of the midwives because there was still a lot of pressure.
We stayed a bit longer at the birth center (maybe about an hour) just sitting in the bed and drinking a little juice and water until I felt well enough to leave – and we packed all of us up in the car and drove home. We were all in our own bed by 5pm that same day!
I am so thankful and grateful that Cam and I decided to go for a natural unmedicated labor – it was nothing like what you see in the movies, it really was an amazing experience and I would do it again in a second! I know that all of the work I put in to prepare myself, both physically and mentally, was the key to not only my success at natural labor, but the ease and quickness of the labor.
When I got pregnant early this year (2016), I already had an idea that I wanted to attempt a natural, drug-free childbirth. I’d seen the Business of Being Born documentary years ago, so I had some notion of the consequences of giving birth in a hospital setting. However, I knew that on some level this documentary was a bit skewed towards natural childbirth, so I wanted to take the time to find out whether or not natural childbirth was practical and safe for me and the baby.
Something else that was important for me to realize was that, I definitely had a deep seated fear towards childbirth. The image of a woman freaking out when her water breaks, screaming bloody murder while on the hospital bed, her husband fainting in the operating room, etc, etc, etc…. All of these pictures were burned in my brain from years and years of television and movies depicting birth. Along with that – I hadn’t heard a single happy story of childbirth from anyone I knew personally – not my mother, who went through a grueling 14 hour labor with me before the doctors told her she would have to have a c-section – not any of my friends, one of whom went into labor very premature with preeclampsia, and ended up with a baby who was in the NICU for 4 weeks.
Honestly – these stories scared the sh*t out of me a bit – and although I did want to have a natural childbirth, there was a seed of doubt in the back of my mind saying “but what if something goes wrong”.
Now – I knew from all of my experiences over the past 6 or so years, that if there is something that I am afraid of, then that is often an opportunity for me to do something really amazing – something that will change my life and make me a stronger human being. So I decided that I was going to go all in, and do everything I could to ensure that I would have a successful, natural, and unmedicated birth.
I also knew that 80% of accomplishing any goal is mindset, with the other 20% physical action and preparation. So, I spent a lot of my time over the next 9 months investigating and uncovering every thought and idea I had in relation to childbirth – making sure that if a point of fear came up, or an image flashed in my mind that led me to worry about something – I addressed it immediately, looked at the practical reality of the fear, delving into the worst case scenarios, and forgiving myself for holding onto it.
So – to help with my mindset – I read EVERY natural birth story I could find online – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I watched EVERY childbirth video I could find on Youtube. I listened to countless women share their experiences, many of whom had the intention of not getting an epidural, but gave up after many hours of painful labor. I read the entire “What to Expect When Your Expecting” book, as well as the “What to Expect in Year 1” book. I absorbed all of the information I could find, and exposed myself to the worst case scenario so many times to see how I felt about it and what fears or worries came up for me.
Also, early in my pregnancy, I started listening to the Hypnobabies audios – I usually listened to them at night or when I was taking a nap during the day. I really think these audios really supported me to program myself with tools that I could use during labor – and I do think this is partly why I was able to have a virtually pain-free labor (the Hypnobabies audios teach techniques on how to let go of the mental aspects of pain, and instead embrace the physicality of labor – which may sound hokey, but it friggin works).
I cannot recommend this process of mental-work before labor more to women considering a natural childbirth – I’ve seen so many cases of women who had the intention to give birth naturally, but did NOT do this work, and found themselves struggling when the day arrived to give birth. I know fundamentally that this process of changing and strengthening my mindset, investigating my fears, and leaving no stone un-turned, was exactly why I was able to accomplish my goal (and go beyond even my own belief about my physical capabilities).
For the physical preparation – I firstly found a birthing center in my city that was separated from a hospital, and that did not offer any drugs during birth. I wanted to put myself in a situation where I could not even have drugs as a thought/option during labor – removing the convenience (although I would be able to transfer to a hospital if any complication did occur). The birthing center I chose was run by a CNM, who had previously worked as a labor nurse in a hospital labor ward for over 10 years, so it was a nice blend of a standard medical practice that had the goal of supporting moms to have a natural and drug free labor. Along with choosing the birthing center, I hired a local doula to attend our birth – this was something I really debated doing, but I’m so glad that I did it, because she was immensely supportive for me and my husband during labor (she was focused on us, while the midwifes were focused on baby).
I also started doing certain things that I had investigated would be supportive for childbirth. I took natural prenatal vitamins, prenatal probiotics, fish oil DHA, and drank a ton of water every day. Later in my pregnancy I started taking Vitamin C (which is supposed to help strengthen the amniotic sac), alfalfa capsules, and drank red raspberry leaf tea (iced, extra strength). I also ate dates every day during the last few weeks – which is supposed to help soften the cervix among other things. I did a little walking and squats and sitting/stretching on a yoga ball on most days, but other than that I relaxed and didn’t over stress or do a lot of exercising. I started seeing a chiropractor in my third trimester who used the Webster technique to help loosen and align my pelvis. I took a lot of relaxing baths with epsom salt to ease the aches of pregnancy – sometimes nearly every night.
One last point I’d like to mention – during all of this preparation, I made sure to communicate with my husband and utilize our partnership to cross-reference myself – meaning if I had a fear or worry or felt emotional, I made sure to communicate that with him and hear his perspective. This allowed him to be more involved in the pregnancy, preparing him for the baby’s arrival, and strengthened the intimacy of our relationship.
In the next blog, I’ll share the story of Max’s birth – natural, drug-free, and virtually painless.
When you find out you are pregnant, and it’s something that you are happy about, a point of fear you may have to walk through is the fear of having a miscarriage. Miscarriages happen often, and this is a more prominent concern for many women now that pregnancy tests can give a positive result much earlier in the pregnancy, when the likelihood of spontaneous miscarriage is still high.
“Experts” say that the first trimester or so is the time where a miscarriage is most likely to happen – and some pregnant women are never really “out of the woods”, depending on their age and any genetic predispositions or medical conditions they may have. This 12-14 week waiting period can quickly build a small thought or worry about miscarriage into a full blown paranoia and dread.
After I found out I was pregnant – the thought definitely came up in my mind that it was possible that I could have a miscarriage. I saw for myself how the miscarriage paranoia can begin to develop as I looked through the TTC forums and read other women’s stories. Some of these women became so stressed and worried that every little symptom was an indicator that they would miscarry, they literally got to the point where they could not stop thinking about it and created stress-related illnesses and anxiety.
When I realized that this was a concern in the back of my mind – I supported myself by investigating miscarriage further and then taking myself into worst case scenarios to see how I would face the reality of a miscarriage. Miscarriage happens most often in situations where there are chromosomal defects in the fetus, and is the body’s way of rejecting the development of a child that would have severe problems upon birth. Some miscarriages are also the body’s way of protecting the mother from trauma that she would not be able to handle if the baby was carried to term. Other miscarriages cannot be fully explained – but are ultimately the body’s way of dealing with something that is out of balance.
Realizing this reality, I supported myself to see that a miscarriage in some situations is actually better for both mother and baby – sometimes the miscarriage is necessary. This is not a “fun” fact to face – but once I faced this reality – it was much simpler for me to embrace and enjoy my pregnancy, the time that I did have with a baby growing inside of me. Again – it was helpful to have first faced my belief that I may never get pregnant at all (which I talked about in my last blog) – because if a miscarriage did occur, then I am grateful I had the opportunity to be pregnant even if for a short time.
This process doesn’t necessarily “protect” or stop any feelings of sadness or emotion if a miscarriage was to occur, but that’s not the point. The point is to stop dwelling in a paranoia about miscarriage while you are pregnant, because that in itself is creating a physical imbalance and stress your body.
There are some practical things that have been linked to increased chances of early miscarriage – which I took into consideration during my research and supported myself practically to avoid/not participate in (drinking alcohol, taking certain medications, drinking caffeine, etc…).
So – when it comes to investigating and researching miscarriages – the key for me was to keep it practical, take in the supportive information, forgive myself for the fears and worries that came up, and remain grateful for the time that I do have to experience a new life growing inside of me.
I’d like to discuss something today that I think is often kept a bit in the shadows for most women. It’s not something that is comfortable to talk about out in the open – however, it is a massive discussion for anonymous forums on the internet.
So, one of the major points I faced in my late 20’s, after I got married – was this fear of “what if I’m not able to get pregnant even when I want to have kids…”. It wasn’t a super pronounced fear, because I wasn’t actively trying to get pregnant, but it was sort of at the back of my mind as I got older and older. Although this fear was completely irrational – in the sense that I had no indicators or reasons to believe that I would be unable to have children – it still felt as though it was a logical concern to have at the time.
I realized though that I had allowed myself to build up this fear even further – because each month, I would experience certain “symptoms” just before my period that made me think it was possible that I was pregnant. I had a sort of “ritual” during this time where I would go online and read other women’s “trying to conceive” stories, reading their symptoms to try to see what was going on with me. Surprisingly, I actually learned a lot about the struggles of other women and their relationship/perception of pregnancy and being able to get pregnant from reading through these forums.
I realized that for many women, myself included, the ability to become pregnant was a sort of validation our physical selves – as though fertility was a boost for our self-worth – and that being unable to get pregnant came with a belief that something inside us is a bit broken. I KNOW that this sounds stereotypical/hysterical/blah blah, and that the standard feminist perspective (one that I grew up with) would just scream in horror at this whole point — but this is the reality and the fear for many women deep down (even many self-proclaimed feminists) – and I realized that I was no different than any other woman, in that I was facing the same point that many are.
See – facing the reality of having/holding onto a fear is essential – it is never good to hide it or try to pretend it’s not there. The reality here is that – there is a “program” that tells us in our society, that becoming pregnant and having a child is a part of being a woman — so “logic” would infer that being infertile or having difficulty conceiving would call into question our true nature as a woman.
This is the program that I was facing, that a lot women are facing, and there is little support for women to know “how” to face it so that it doesn’t become a destructive self-belief and pattern. So, whether we are trying to have a baby or not, many of us keep coming back each month to the TTC forums, hunting for our symptoms, driving ourselves a bit crazy for a few days/weeks, only to find out that we’re not actually pregnant – just to repeat this the following month.
I did this for years – and I was not even in a place where I felt ready to have a baby, nor was I actively trying to conceive. What I noticed though, was that in those months where I had the “symptoms” of being pregnant and it turned out that I wasn’t – the inner chatter and inner belief of “maybe I’m barren” or “maybe I will never be able to have children” became stronger and stronger. And a consequence that I experienced from participating in this belief was a sort of mild depression or feigned apathy towards the whole notion of becoming pregnant and having children.
This is not a constructive way of living! So I made a decision to really sit down and face this construct of being a woman and the issues of fertility – not only from my own perspective, but from the perspective of the thousands of women whose stories I had read online. I placed myself in the worst case scenario in my mind – of being completely unable to ever have children, and looked at what judgments and beliefs I had of myself if that were to occur – and forgave myself for accepting those judgments and beliefs. It was a really fascinating journey to walk through – because by facing this point head on – I stopped the worrying cycle of whether or not I could have children in my lifetime.
It was no longer apathy – it was a letting go of worry and stress – and it felt great! I was just here with myself, and it gave me the space and time to begin enjoying and expanding what it is like being a woman without the stereotypes. I did know that I would still enjoy having children, but it was not something that I NEEDED in order to feel “complete”.
I can’t say whether this is related or not – but a few months after I did this – I became pregnant (and I was finally ready to be pregnant). And this act of facing my fear has massively supported me during my pregnancy so far, because when other fears come up, I know that I can face them and that I’ll be better off and more stable and prepared when I do.
My husband Cam and I have been educators for the past 11 years – and we’ve had so many opportunities to support children and watch their processes of growth and self-development – and we’ve grown passionate about uncovering and watching the natural ability of children to learn and develop into confident and successful human beings. We’ve also had many opportunities to observe and support parents with their children.
We’ve watched as many of the “theories” of parenting are put into practice, seen what works and what doesn’t from a third party perspective. Now – Cam and I are pregnant with our first child!! We now have a cool opportunity to stand directly with the growth and development of a child, to see everything firsthand, and to apply the practical skills we’ve learned on a much deeper level.
We both have been walking a very specific journey over the past 8 years to support ourselves with many tools of self-development…. so when I first found out I was pregnant, I was looking forward to facing all of my ideas/beliefs/fears about giving birth and becoming a parent.
That may sound strange – that I was eager to face all of this – but I’ve learned over time that I grow and develop the most when I walk through experiences in my life that challenge me to face myself.So far, in this pregnancy, I have faced SOOO much!! It’s amazing to look back, realizing it’s only been 5 months so far, and to see how many points I’ve faced and supported myself with so quickly. I’ll be sharing more of my practical application within the “pregnancy journey” as I continue with this blog – all of the points related to miscarriage, nutrition, genetic disorders, body changes, hormonal changes, medical care, natural vs. hospital birth, etc… Also – continuing to observe and prepare myself for the reality of parenting.
Each of these points, I not only faced my own ideas/thoughts/beliefs about, but I took the time to investigate what the common perspectives and fears were for other pregnant women – to give myself a wider perspective as to the entire experience that is built around being pregnant – and how to support myself to cut through the “fantastical” ideas of pregnancy/parenting and to face the reality of it.
I see it as – finding the practicality in pregnancy, birth, and preparing myself for practical parenting.